Bill is victim. or so he tells everyone. Last night I punched Bill in the eye. It was an accident. No really. But it's getting more and more difficult to convince him it's an accident as this seems to be happening on a regular basis, more or less.
Our bedroom is a danger zone, but not for a good reason, sadly. You'd think that after all the years we've been married we'd be able to anticipate where each other's body parts are. I am the worst at this. I can never tell what part of the bed he's in although he swears he never moves. ( like sleeping with a ninja) Last night I crawled into bed trying my best ( which I've been told is lacking) not to disturb him. After I got settled I thought to myself, "Kelly, you're a little chilly, why don't you pull up the quilt". So I did, at the same time Bill decided he was chilly, only I reached down with my hand and he sat up in the bed - as I lost contact with the quilt that I was grasping, letting my hand fly at full force ........into his eye.
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| not important to story, just makes me laugh |
This was not the first mishap. There have been many. And I have no idea why I find it so amusing except it always seems like some slapstick sitcom playing out in slowmotion, plus it's happening to someone that rarely finds those things funny....thereby making it infinitely more funny..... to me. Like the time Bill had a lactose intolerant episode in his sleep so loud that it startled me from my slumber...... kneeing him deeply in the hamstring.....causing him to scream in pain as he fell out of bed ....hitting the floor....with his leg cramped so tightly he couldn't catch his breath.....him screaming in pain while I had buried my head in my pillow SCREAMING with laughter. Our daughter, who heard him from the other room kept asking "Daddy , are you okay?" and all I could do was gasp between fits of hysteria. He was not amused. Clearly he was to blame for this one. I told him NOT to eat the ice cream. Or the time "someone" left the bathroom door halfway open, which he managed to walk straight into on the way to the toilet in the middle of the night, drawing blood from his forehead. I denied ever touching that door and he shouldn't have had that glass of tea anyway. Or anytime he catches a toe on any piece of furniture in the dark. And you'd think I'd be far more sympathetic because when stuff like that happens to me it really pisses me off. I threatened to set fire to whatever piece of furniture I've come in contact with as I hop around holding the offended body part.
But my favorite mishap took place in a hotel. A brand new just opened two weeks hotel. In a room they were so very proud to put us in ......... for the hearing and sight impaired. Which we didn't know at the time. Later, much much later, while snoring peacefully a sudden barage of strobe lights bombarded the room . Followed by an extremely loud menacing voice yelling for us to vacate the premises immediately. Over and over. Half awake, I thought I was caught in a Tim Burton nightmare . And so naturally I started screaming ......while I flailed my arms back and forth from side to side like a lunatic. Repeatedly smacking Bill in the head. All the while Bill shouting orders : Kelly, stop screaming. Kelly, stop hitting me. KELLY STOP HITTING MEEEEEEEEE!!!! Followed by:
&@#%* ! , KELLY, STOP HITTING ME. There was no fire, except for the one Bill threatened me with. The alarms went on for 15 minutes, not quite as long as my hysteria. In the adjoining room , our children, laughing. A lot.
I didn't sleep the rest of the night. Thank you very much Mr. Hilton- if I wasn't hearing and sight impaired before I was now. But thank goodness it let us know there was a DROP IN THE WATER PRESSURE. Yes, that's why it went off.
I apologized for that incident, but I wasn't the one that picked the hotel, so......
Fortunately for me he heals fast. Marriage, the great adventure continues.
