When Dinosaurs Cook.....

Today on "Cooking with Dinosaurs" Shelly looks at make ahead dishes for Thanksgiving  - Cranberry Relish - because who the heck wants that spam-jello on your plate.  Seriously , it's disgusting.  You can do better.  

Here's a copy of the recipe:  Gather all your ingredients before getting started - or you'll just get pissed off when you discover it calls for 'FRESH LEMON JUICE'.    

Cranberry Relish.  It's good.  Don't argue.

Now rinse the cranberries.  Throw out the mushy ones.  Go ahead and taste one.   (hahahahahaha)
Get your mother-in-law's 1957 Kitchen-aid food grinder -  and grind the berries. 

 yeah, they LOOK tempting. If you need to learn to whistle eat a handful.

These are ground.  Not chopped, not sliced, not diced.  GROUND.    There's a difference.


Juice the FRESH LEMONS and add to the ground berries.  I forgot to take a picture.    Good luck. 

This is how they should look after you grind them.  If they don't call someone from your church in their 70's.  After they're done laughing at you and declaring this generation "without a clue" borrow their grinder and ask for a hands on demonstration.   If you don't go to church just go ahead and drive to Kroger and get the canned crap you're used to.

Add 2 cups ( whatever , I think this was a 18 oz jar and I can never figure out the difference between weight and mass but it looks good so let's just go with it, try not to stress , IT'S RELISH) 

Peel and chop up about 4 apples.  I use 2 Granny Smith and 2 Galas.  I like crisp and tart apples.  Stir them in.    YUMMY.  Don't tarry or they will turn brown.   ( Google tarry or go back and ask the 70 year old church lady the definition where she'll pity you for your lack of vocab) 

Although the recipe calls for 2  1/2 cups of sugar  add only a 1/2 cup and stir and taste.  Depending on how tart the berries are will dictate how much sugar you'll use.  Unless you want diabetes, then just go ahead and add all the sugar, you are on your way! 

PREPARE THE NUTS!!!!

Betty Crocker knows how to prepare nuts.   Even in 1959.  Look up "Toasting Nuts" because for some reason I can never remember the best way to do this.   Put 2 cups of whole pecans ( or walnuts, but I hate walnuts) on a baking sheet on 350 degrees for about 10 minutes or until they are heated through.  THEY WILL SMELL DELICIOUS.  Also they are hot - avoid popping them in your mouth unless you like blisters on your tongue.   Get a glass of water because you know you're going to do it anyway.   After they cool chop them.  And add to the berries.   

Nut perfection. 

Keep out predators. 

Stir it occasionally.  Taste to see if you need more sugar.    Get rid of the chicken stock behind the cranberry relish.  Unless you want to kill everyone in your family.  Try to avoid cracking any of Bill's special eggs.    And share it.  For goodness sakes it makes about 9 cups. How much cranberry relish do you think you need????    Thus ended the first of "Cooking with Dinosaurs".  

  

Cooking. Or more reasons to drink wine.

I LOVE COOKBOOKS

Roast a chicken he said.  It's easy he said. 


Me:  hey Bill, come in here and read this to me.
Bill:  ok, where?
Me:  There [pointing fat covered finger at book]
Bill: "to truss the chicken....."
Me:  *%$#@$%^
Bill:  what are you doing?
Me:  Trussing!
Bill:  Why are you bleeding?
Me:  I don't have time to explain, NEXT SENTENCE
Bill:  "find middle of string, wrap around tail and cross over , then wrap around end of legs and pull tight, flip chicken, cross on back.....
Me:  TOO FAST......wait, no , I got it! I got it.
Bill: cross over wings , tie in knot, cut excess

This is why Kroger cooks chickens

Me:  tah dah.......NO....I CUT IT TOO SHORT, LOOSE WINGS, LOOSE WINGS.....

I'll just look at the pictures. 

BILL: .............it'll be fine.
Me:  ..... go get the staple gun.
Bill: .....we don't have a staple gun.
Me: .....Julia would have a staple gun.  Is it too early for wine?