Page 1 - Toaster Instructions

The instruction book for my new demon-free toaster is frightening. and funny.  I don't know many people that can stand in their kitchen and roar with laughter over all the importance stressed for a seemingly unimposing appliance.  But I do. [ Bill , shaking his head]

It's seven pages long with space on the seventh page for note taking.  Now, I'm worried that if I don't take notes while I'm reading this I may miss something really really important.  Of the 16 basic safety precautions listed on page 1 I'm already panicking about number 3. 

This appliance should not be used by OR near children, or individuals with certain disabilities.

 Near, really.  How near? Can they be sitting at the kitchen table? It's close.  I'll set it up in the living room just in case.  I wouldn't want to invalidate my warranty.  And the dog will love it.   And "certain" disabilities.  That's kinda vague.  What kind?  Like my mom was bi-polar, maybe she shouldn't toast on the down swing.   Of course she wouldn't have anyway.  She would have cried about the sad toaster, and the children that assemble them in china or wherever ( I wonder how close they were to it)  and then said there was no reason to live without toast, and then the next day toast all the bread and throw a party.  She was fun that way.  

Then there's number 4 which suggests if you're having problems return it to the store for...........an examination.          Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on Ray's face at Costco when I ask him to examine my toaster.    

Or how about number 7, the use of accessory attachments not recommended AND may cause injury.
What accessories?  I feel like I've missed out on the amazing world of toasters.  I can't even imagine what accessory you'd add. Maybe a branding iron ....... or .... no nothing.



the James Dean of bakery products



Do not place toaster in a heated oven.              rats.

To avoid possibility of fire ( so there IS a possibility) do not leave toaster unattended during use.  This damn thing is akin to a gremlin.  I'm not sure I should have one.  I'm not sure I'll even be sleeping at night knowing it's lurking in the kitchen just waiting to kill me. 

And there's a whole page dedicated to the shady side of toaster pastries.  They're like unruly teenagers or drunk uncles.

But my favorite is under the heading "Special Cord Set Instructions"  which after a lengthy explanation of polarized plug ( one blade is wider than the other) ----that's exactly what it said , which of course I would have found out after wrestling the plug into various yoga positions and making wild jabs at the wall outlet because I won't bother to put on my reading glasses to see the difference. ( ahhhhhh- a disability)  and ends with

" Do not attempt to defeat this safety feature"

Challenge accepted.