Why we don't camp. Ever.

 

My snake whomping stick.  And Bill. circa 1984  



Bill and I don't possess the "camping" gene.  We're defective in that area.  And we learned this about each other very early in our marriage.   Our friends invited us to their cabin in Possum Walk , Arkansas when we were all newlyweds.....so 28 years ago.   We left town before they did with a plan to meet up at the cabin.

A couple of important things we learned about each other , we both suck at driving at night, we'd rather sleep. And we are both real pains in the butt if we're traveling and hungry.  The backroads of Arkansas did not have a McDonald's anywhere in sight. Or any other fast food joint.  So we were ready to kill each other when we finally arrived at the cabin.



Not a girl scout manual.



The cabin ( which is still there) is on the side of a bluff.  It's an a-frame cabin that was hand built by my best friend's dad.  Beautiful spot, no electricity , way way off the beaten path. - just nature.   Complete with critters.  I like nature , on Animal Planet.   When I used to go with my friend , Jill, as a teenager , she would hike alone for hours and hours while I sat on the cabin deck overlooking the gorge and read.  And I liked it that way.  Because I'm terrified of nature.

We arrived after dark.  And where we were it was more than dark it was black.  I'd been there enough to feel my way to the cabin and get a couple of Coleman Lanterns for us so we wouldn't have to wait in the pitch dark until Jill and Jim got there.  However neither one of us possessed matches.  The only time in my life I wished one of us smoked.  We brought both of the lanterns back to the car and pondered how to light them.  Well, there's a cigarette lighter in the car and one of us got the bright idea to try and ignite a leaf and then stick it in the lantern.  I thought I was brilliant.   I don't know if they've changed the design of lanterns since 1984 but these were full of propane and you had to pump them and then set a flame to some opening to light them.  I was standing outside the car while Bill tried to get a leaf to catch fire.  After several attempts we got one lit. Then ONE of us ( the details are murky here) picked up the primed lantern and tried to light it INSIDE the car.   

You know that whoosh noise you hear when a gas grill catches ?  Imagine my surprise when the car ( from which I was NOT sitting in )  flashed bright.  One of us screamed.  That would be me.  There was a lot of cussing.  Also me.   I don't think I remember seeing someone exit a car so fast.  But not as fast as the accusations....

Bill: Why did you prime it?? Are you trying to kill me?

Me: Prime it?  Why the hell did you light it INSIDE the car?

  

Probably reading a first-aid manual. or annulment instuctions.  



Bill:  I didn't light it INSIDE the car!

Me: Well tell that to your missing eyebrows!

Bill:  Are my eyebrows missing?

Me: I'm not sure I'm blind from the flash.

Bill:  You make me crazy.

Me:  It'd be easier to tell that if you had EYEBROWS

Bill:  (lots of grumbling and groping to check for missing eyebrows)

We sat in the dark for another hour until Jill and Jim got there.  I was pretty sure we'd be eaten by a grizzly bear or an anaconda.  Or both.    When they arrived they showed us where the matches were stored.  Which will be helpful if we ever go back.  Which we haven't.  Not even in the daylight.  Because camping is very dangerous.  Very very dangerous.