M.O.G.

This is my first posting of The Wedding : Dairy of a MOG.

First I had to actually ask what MOG was. For you newbies it's mother of the groom.  It should be MOTHER OF Give-Me-A-F'ng-Break.  It's not.  My son got engaged.  There's going to be a wedding.  She's perfect and lovely and we love her and her family so much.---------And that's all I'm going to say about that part. Until they all sign waivers. ( Actually they are all perfect and lovely and funny and have a really REALLY good sense of humor.) ( so far.) 

This is more of a running commentary on the business of weddings in general.  As my future DIL is not responsible for the over inflated egos of the wedding circuit snake-oil selling individuals roaming the streets and the Internet.  Especially Pinterest.  And the sixty million magazines.  That I buy daily.  'Cause they're so pretty.  It's like bringing home a unicorn.  With sparkles.  ......oh god save me from myself.  I name them all!!!
My mantra for the next 10 months -  "Wear Beige - Keep my mouth shut."  Which was the advice I was given by a close friend and it seems a smart and reasonable thing to do.  Which is why I will fail miserably at this.  So let me begin by what I'm most likely to screw up first.  The dress.  No , not hers - she'd look beautiful in a gunny sack. ( for those of you under 50 - why are you even reading my crap?) 



She must hate her daughter.  A lot.



Let's talk about what sadistic designers decide what determines a "Mother-of-the-Groom/Bride" dress.  Seriously it's awful.   It seems my choices are aged beauty pageant wanna-be complete with enough piped on icing ruffles and sparkly crap to please a murder of crows - which is also backless, side less, strapless, less less less- which looks FABULOUS on an over 50 body in a permanent relaxed state.  Like death.  OR Little House on the Prairie. ( shoot me) or perhaps the entertainment industry pole dancing division.  I may pluck my own eyes out.  



with detachable sunbeam



I've already had one go round with Spanx which I lost in the bloody stiletto heal battle of New Orleans, I don't think I can do this again. As far as I know Spanx doesn't come in a turtle neck design, something they should work on immediately.  There would be a high likelihood of my head popping off like an overripe grape. Also I imagine this is what it was like being born IF I was being delivered thru the world's tiniest vagina.  I may have to take pain killers to crawl back into that torture device......Not the vagina , that's dead, the Spanx.  Although I'd have to take pain killers in either case.  Now might be a good time as I can't seem to shake the vision in my head.  I hate my brain. 

Also trying to find the cheerleader/pom/dance/sorority elbow to stick to my hip for all the pictures as I am most positive this is the only acceptable way to be photographed in all wedding photos----yes , go check Pinterest. Or Facebook.  I DEFY you to find one set of shots WITHOUT said elbow pose.   Surely Ballew's sells an appendage in beige.  


the perfect MOG dress.  and title.

 Just broke the mantra. They should elope.