God's Fingerprints

When I was 5 years old my throat hurt.  My mom put a bucket next to my bed in case I got sick during the night.  When she came back in to check on me my eyes were rolled up into my head. 

We lived in Paragould, Arkansas in 1966.  It was January and nasty out.  My mother called an ambulance that drove us to a hospital in Little Rock, Arkansas.  They refused to take me.  My mother said it was because I was so close to death.  My mother was prone to being rather dramatic however given that my Grandmother Cage ( my dad's mother) would not even repeat the story because it caused her such grief I think it must have been pretty bad.   I was sent ahead to LeBonheur in Memphis, Tennessee.  It was raining so hard that the ambulance flooded out and they had to transport me from Little Rock to Memphis in a .................hearse.  (Perhaps that is where my dark side comes from).  My mother rode with me.  I can't imagine what was going through her head.    

My Grandmother Cage lived in Memphis and when she heard that I was coming to LeBonheur she drove there to meet the ambulance/hearse.  She looked up the resident doctor on call in the emergency room that night and told him if he was not standing there when her granddaughter arrived she would look him up and break both of his legs.  She meant it.  He said "yes ma'am."  It was after all 1966.  She was fierce.

I was admitted and stayed there for the next 14 days. As far as I know no legs were harmed.   I was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. My doctor, Gene Whittington (who is still practicing ) told my mother I had a 50-50 chance of survival.  I had 4 spinal taps. I had a fever of 106.  They gave me iced alcohol baths to bring down my temperature.  I was also blind and deaf.  Later I would describe dreams to my mother about screaming her name and not being able to see her only hearing my own voice, being cold and far away.  She would cry.  I didn't understand the depth of her pain until having children of my own.  And still I can't begin to fathom how desperate she must have felt.

I lost all my motor skills and had to learn to walk all over again.  My mom said my personality changed from happy happy happy to sad.  Well no kidding.  I think I've overcome that for what it's worth.  My father disliked hospitals and would not come to be with my mother.  My mom wore my Grandmother Cage's clothes.  My mom was very tall and thin - Grandmother Cage was shaped like a Weeble.  Short and round.  My father did eventually come to see me and brought my little sister.  That is my first clear memory of having vision problems.   I remember hearing my sister's voice but not being able to see her very well.

Obviously I lived through it.  But I think that's when part of my mother's soul died.  Her father was terminally ill with colon cancer and died 2 months later and was buried on my birthday.  She adored him. She was never the same.  She blamed God for everything.  She was angry for a very very long time.  I don't judge her for her pain or anger.  I hurt for her even now.  When she died in 1993 at the age of 55 she was still angry.  When I think of this story I don't think it's really about me as it is telling about her.  She was a young mother with an extremely sick five year old daughter.  Who didn't die.  She couldn't see the miracle.  She couldn't see the blessing of being refused at one hospital and turned to the one that would save my life. She couldn't see God's fingerprints or timing.   She just couldn't see. 

When my daughter Katie was 3 days old she got a fever.  I called the doctor thinking they'd just call in something over the phone.  Second children make you complacent.  The nurse instructed me to get her to LeBonheur downtown immediately.  As Bill drove us to the hospital I was terrified but not alone. I was worried but thankful that we lived in a part of the country where there is easy access to the best children's medical care. It was an exhausting watching my newborn getting pricked and prodded but we were blessed to be there and we knew it.   Katie was fine.

I don't know how people make it thru the scary times in their lives without a spouse that loves and supports them, but mostly without believing in the One that put us here in the first place.  My heart breaks for them.  My heart still breaks for my mother. 

a week before me getting sick.  My mom looking at her father.