Adventures in MOG Land. Bring a compass. And wine.

As the wedding looms large this coming weekend there have been lots of "things" that needed to be addressed before it's arrival.   Most of them involve my body.  I have no idea why that's just how it ended up.

Needed:   New Bra 

Challenge:  Finding one that fits without actually trying it on.  ( I think you can see I'm going to fail this miserably) 

Site:    Local large department store that starts with the letter "D" and rhymes with "Willards". 

Person in charge of touching me :   Pat from SNL

Me:  Hi .....um,  are you the person ( I haven't decided if this is a her Pat or the other one) that can help me find the right bra? 

Pat: Yes'em.

Me:  Oh, okay, I like my old bra , do you still have this in stock?  The only thing I don't like about it is the back has a tendency to rip when I pull it down.

Pat:  [in an appalled voice] WHAT ARE YOU PULLING IT DOWN FOR? It's  suppose to be up that high .........that's why it's ripping, you're doing it wrong. 

Me:  Of course I am, why would I do that, I'm not sure I'm qualified to wear this anyway. 

Pat:  Well, bad news. That one just got discontinued.

Me:   AHHHHHHHHH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE BRA.....I ALWAYS BUY SEVERAL!!! WHY DO THEY DO THAT?  They discontinue my makeup, my mascara, my lipstick.  I feel violated.  And now sad. 

Pat:  I'll find you some that work.  Let me get the measuring tape we store in the deep freeze . ( I'm sure that's what she said)  

Me: [humming at the ceiling , counting tiles......hurry little woman person whose hands are tiny icicles]

Pat:  Hmmm, you're wearing the wrong size. 

Me: Good lord, again?  You'd think a grown woman could figure out what size bra she wears and not destroy it in the process.  I blame gravity. And Victoria's Secret 

    she scurries out to hunt down and bag the appropriate sizes and varying styles I already know I'm going to hate.
Pat:  Here's the "sizing" bra.
I'm not sure what these even means ----does the bra assign me size or  does it conform to my existing size,  is it like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.  "  Interesting....hmmmm , not symmetrical and unusually lowwwww.,,,,, [ it grimaces] you're in the House of Playtex.  Live with it.  [ Hard Hat]
The "sizing bra"  relegated me to exactly NONE of the cute bras on the end kiosks displays.  With wings and feathers and rhinestones the dig into your breastbone but you look so cute and like you're anorexic that you don't care.  Stupid sorting sizing bra.  Nope, I get sent to the corner of the store. The sturdy line.  The Sears Husky.  The Tall Shop.  arghhhh.
Pat:  Here's some.

Twelve tries in we nail one.

Me: Thanks, Pat.  I'll be back when Spanx are in season.  I need to bag one before the wedding.
Pat: Okey Dokey, want me to show you the ones I wear.
Me: nah, let's keep some mystery in our relationship.

Bill didn't find any of this amusing.  He claims I'm killing his fantasies.

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