Snapperheads



why is this not ever the pirate at a biker bar?

 In a desperate rookie vacation move several years ago we waited too late to grab dinner at the beach.  There's a window of "leave the house at 4:30" or "drink until 9:00 - eat cheetos".  It's a science.   It was dead center of dinner hour and we knew better.  After driving around and being disgusted with ourselves we pulled into what we hoped was a hole in the wall hamburger place.    SnapperHeads.

We just wanted to eat.  We had 6 hungry children WITH no sense of humor.  Actually they had plenty of comic humor it was the adults that had reached the end of their ropes. 

As we walked inside the trailer (first red flag) past the guy with an eye-patch dressed completely in leather (second red flag) we encounteer the seating hostess/biker chick/ Marlboro woman/ with voice like gravel/and one arm ( third red flag) who escorted us to our table past the angry parrot. ( flag, flag, flag). 



We ordered from the menu.  I have to say it was my mistake to attempt to eat something healthy in an obviously Fried or Die environment - but I'm gutsy that way.  After ordering one's eyes start to wander, unless you're comatose which would have been my preference.   The small innocent children practiced their phonetic skills on signs they saw posted on the wall.   It was like being in a really dirty Spencer's gifts.  I found myself saying things like " eyes on  your plate", "No that's not about a kitty cat", "I can't breathe either, we all must make sacrifices", "Buddy system for the bathroom please", "EAT FASTER", "No, we're NOT going to shoot pool", " I don't know what happened to her other arm."

I had to send my salad back twice due to the amount of dirt still on the lettuce.  Twice.

Those were the days when I panicked easily.  I still panic easily but there's usually a tornado involved or my relatives from far far away have learned to use the internet.    Now I just pretend I'm in a sitcom. Which came in handy yesterday. 



Not Snapperheads.......but close





Once again we made a timing error thinking we'd grab a bite as we headed to the Panama City Beach airport to pick up our son's girlfriend.  The airport is in a place that will never as far as I can tell be landlocked.   Lots of wide open spaces.  With no quick grab a bite venue in sight..  At one point we spotted a billboard that said "BoonDocks" restaurant ahead.  That we missed, twice.  It was under a bridge.  As Bill negotiated a couple of turns the old panic crept up as I was certain we were being tricked by the troll under the bridge and he was going to eat us.  I'm always sure there is a troll under the bridge.  Which now that I think about it why would any parent in their right mind read a child a book about trolls under bridges that eat people. I still worry about the billygoats gruff.   As we got closer to the restaurant there were cars everywhere.  Panic subsided.  Bill dropped us at the door and the hostess ( both arms visible) said yes they had room for four.....in an hour and a half.   I think she thought that was funny.  I did.  We got back in the car.

Deciding now to just grab something somewhere to hold us over until we got back to "our" area,  we pulled into a diner.  You know, the silver cylinder shaped thing.  And went inside.   Frankly the only thing missing was the parrot.  Snapperheads - part two.

The waitress, with a voice of gravel , that was probably 40 but looked 70 ,seated us immediately.  No waiting. ( uh-oh).   She announced that she was suppose to tell us the specials and with great pride said " we got a steak dinner for two , now that's 21.99 but ya'll might want that".   The four of us silently agreed to hamburgers.   She managed to talk Bill into a chili-cheese hotdog.  ( oh gawwwd NO) and then asked him if he wanted onions on that or " was he planning on doing some smooching later?"  I assume she meant with me but maybe she had other ideas.  Hey, I'm just keeping an open mind here.  Then to my great delight she announce that if he didn't like his chilicheesedog to not kick her because ( and I'm not making this up) " my leg here's got a rod in it!"   My eyebrows shot up to my daughter's dismay who was silently mouthing to me " keep it together Mom".   It was killing me to ask her what happened.  But I didn't.  I may call later.

Stocking Stuffers ......no pun intended. Unless you think it's funnier

Before we left Katie and I braved it to the bathroom.  Katie started reciting the entire dialog from Christmas Vacation about the brother-in-law's metal plate in his head from a stall opposite mine.  Then she got silent and said what are you taking pictures of in there.  And I said "the gift shop vending machine, do you have 2 quarters?"  Katie , " Oh, please stop"         She claims she didn't have two quarters.  I was crushed.

Later the family decided to invest in Botox injections for me as I no longer have the ability to keep my thoughts and amusement from spreading across my face and exiting my mouth.  

SMOOCHING!!!