1. rented dress
2. eyelashes
3. chocolate
4. nosebleed
5. runaway drunk guest
6. shrubbery
The Dress :
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| rehearsal dress - just hours out of the box |
It did finally arrive later that day, like 6pm. I'd lost weight from being in a constant state of panic. I re-lubed and slipped it on. Unbelievable. It. Was. Perfect. Then I tried on the rehearsal dress. Perfect again.
I feel I have somehow used up all my cosmic wishes on stars for the next decade but it was worth it.
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| fabulously frightening |
My lovely daughter-in-law to be scheduled a hair and makeup session the day of the wedding. I skipped the hair part since mine is short and every time someone else styles it I feel like I just walked off the set of Steel Magnolias. Beehives are amazing. Just not on my head. But I did agree to the makeup session. Because I am paranoid I scheduled a practice session using the excuse " what if I'm allergic to the makeup and I break out in hives or swell up like a blow fish???" just didn't want to look completely ridiculous, or more ridiculous than my usual spackling of makeup. And then it turns out I know the makeup person , so now I'm thinking "What if I hate it? How am I going to get out of this?......I'M ALLERGIC!". With my new excuse in my back pocket I go to the practice session. She used a spray on makeup, think airbrushed vacation t-shirt. It was kind of cool. Felt like a fan blowing on my face. Then moved on to eyeshadow. She kept reassuring me that because it was a night wedding the colors would be heavier. Okayyyy. Then she asked if I wanted to use eyelashes..... the bride was and there were short ones or FABULOUS ONES! I went with fabulous. So few events call for fabulous. Well, fabulous felt like two overgrown woolly caterpillars trying their level best to blind me. First the glue fumes were barely tolerable. Then just trying to open my eyes became a challenge. One I was losing. The practice session went great. According to the makeup artist. I left and went straight to the office to get confirmation from people I trusted. Frankly since I write most of their paychecks I'm not sure they can be trusted. Bill liked it . A little too much. Like YOU SHOULD WEAR EYELASHES ALL THE TIME. Then I told him how much a practice session was and I'd never get them back on myself and I think he's good with once a decade. That night as I pulled them off my eyelids with what was left of my own lashes he kept asking me why I didn't just leave them on and how long would they last. I gave up explaining the curling together, blah blah blah. The real session was nerve-wracking because apparently it's a thing that everyone go together. The entire bridal party. All in all it was fun and I'm glad I don't have to do that part everyday. I'm thinking of investing in the airbrush tool though. That might save me some time.
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| the smallest button loops EVER! |
A huge bowl of chocolate. A white wedding dress. Who knew? The bride was remarkably calm when minutes before going down the aisle she stood up from a chair she had been sitting in to the audible gasps of her bridesmaids who had spotted the dime size chocolate stain on the back of her gown. The bride"s grandmother worked a miracle with water and her magic fingers removing the spot that had made it's way through 3 layers of dress. Then we all told tales of our own dress mishaps , one aunt had dropped her tube of red lipstick straight down the front of her gown. My veil barely made it to the my own wedding. This crap is nerve wracking. Which is exactly why there was chocolate in there in the first place.
The Nosebleed:
The groomsmen , best man, minister and the groom were lined up just outside the sanctuary waiting for their cue to go in. The cue came. The wedding director starts furiously waving her arms "GO GO GO".
From the front of the line the brides brother is grabbing at his nose. "Oh sh-t". The minster "We can't go, we have a bleeder!!"" The Director " we need to go now" The Minister " we'll get there if we have to run in like we're storming the beaches at Normandy!" Kleenex appears from thin air. The Groomsman " I'm good".
The Runaway Guest:
She fell flat on her back as people were exiting the reception. I know this because Bill's uncle stopped to ask her if she needed help. To which she apparently replied " I can't stand up because my shoes fell off". She's in her twenties , he's a more seasoned individual. Him: " Oh, well here's your shoe." She replied by throwing one leg straight up in the air. While in a dress. Him" Oh, okay" He succeeds in getting her shoe screwed back on her feet. Him" Okay, your shoes are on" Her " wahh wahhhh, I can't stand up" Him" ok, I'll help you" He had underestimated her weight as he later described it and realized about halfway thru gripping her around the waist that he was going to drop her. Fortunately the fire brigade was watching. ( the kids had to hire firemen to watch the candles on the tables - maybe next time they need a liquor brigade) and ran to assist the uncle in leveraging her back on her feet. Now one would think that this was bad enough.....but no......there's more. As she exited AHEAD of the bride and groom to the waiting limousine she mistakenly believed the guests that were lining the walk with sparklers held ablaze were for her. And waving a drunken queen's wave she made a dash for the limo, who's door was being manned by the bride's father. In horror the bride's father realized that the runaway guest had no intention of slowing down. He realized this because as he tried to bar her entrance into the limo she lowered her head and butted him with it. ( as all this was going on I was off to the side trying to keep my dress from going up in flames from the brilliantly blazing sparklers- because it was a rented dress as in NOT MINE- and so I missed all the shenanigans although I probably looked more drunk than the guest as I was continually swatting at myself for no apparent reason) Back to the guest. The bride's father decided this was not the time or place for a physical showdown with this idiot and made the stellar decision to let her dive head first into the limo's backseat. He did this because the bride's 6 foot forever tall uncle was standing on the other side of the limo. So as said guest triumphantly waved from the inside of the limo relishing her moment of temporary glory in the bride's father's face, the uncle ripped open the other door and unceremoniously extracted her from the car. And then she fell face first into the shrubbery. And this is why your guest list should never be made when you're feeling guilty or responsible for someone else's happiness. If you're instinct says this person is going to be a problem don't invite them. Don't be guilted into it. Just say no. ( I had second thoughts about including this part - but I doubt she remembers any of this as she never apologized to either of the kids or her family for her ridiculousness.)
and even so ......it was the perfect wedding. It was wonderful and fun and exciting and I'm ever so happy that I got to be part of this- and I'm so very proud of Olivia and Andrew. And I can hardly wait for the next opportunity to use the word " shrubbery"-- it's such a fantastic word and I just never get to use it enough.
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| my very favorite picture |
