Monday, April 14, 2014

Honey, he's trying to tell us something!

Andrew was 6 and Katie 4.  Andrew had gone to his first Talladega race  with his dad and uncles and grandparents.  Katie and I did not.  Thankfully.  After the race we stayed in Birmingham and met some friends that had just had their first child.  They invited us over for drinks and appetizers.  The mother, and I'll give her a pass here because she was a first time mom and a complete idiot insisted that we move the blender to the deck because "Skippy" was sleeping.   Let me say this again, she asked her invited guests to make their own drinks on her deck. With an extension cord.   Her house was beautifully decorated in one color.  White.  It was probably in all our best interests that we stayed outside anyway.   They did invite us to stay the night.  We politely declined.  1.  Her house was decorated in white. 2. We generally made more noise than a blender.  We checked into a hotel. Which was the best decision that night.  

We had one bed.  A king size bed.  We were so tired we crawled in.  It had been a long day.  A long hot day.    This was the lay out.  Left to right.  Bill , Me, Katie, Andrew.   

Everyone settled in quickly as we were all worn out from the long day.  And the idiot with the blender issues. After a few minutes a  strange moaning sound came from my left.  It was Andrew.  ohhhhhhhhhhh, oooohhhhhhh, ummmmhhhh, ohhhhhhhhh.     I turned to Bill and shook him.  "Hey, hey, listen Andrew is trying to tell us something."   Bill was trying to shake the sleep from his eyes and ears, and leaned up to listen.  "What?, I don't hear anything?"
I said " listen he's talking in his sleep."
Andrew "moooannnnnnnnnn ugghhhhhh"
Me:  What's he trying to say?
Bill:   Oh no, he's going to blow.
Me: What? Blow?
Bill:  THROW-UP !  GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
Me:  What?
Bill:  HE'S SICK, MOVE MOVE MOVE
Me:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Andrew:  [ frankly it was very close to the re-enactment of The Exorcist with out the spinning head]
Katie : MOMMMY
Bill:  MOVE PEOPLE

The first round took out the king size bedspread.  The second round he made it to the bathroom but it was projectile into the wall and tub.  It was horrible.  After the initial shock wore off we went into major clean and containment mode.  The hotel management graciously exchanged all the wadded up bed clothes for fresh linens. Andrew's color was coming back into his face and he seemed like he was going to be fine.  We determined that Andrew had eaten way too much junk during the race and had paid for it.  I was immensely relieved that we had not stayed with the mommy idiot with the house decorated in white.  There wasn't enough stain stick in the world to remove the damage that would have taken place in her white palace.  We eventually got back into a freshly made bed exhausted from all of the days events.  Especially the last one.

We settled back into bed.  Left to right.  Bill, Me, Katie, Andrew.
A tiny 4 year old  voice next to me cried out " Where's my kitty???"
Me:  What kitty?
Katie:  My little kitty... where's my kitty, she was here....?? (toy kitty)
Bill:  What's the problem over there?
Me: Katie's toy kitty is missing.
Bill:  Missing?
Me:  ohhhhhh noooo,  I think Katie's kitty got taken out with the bed sheets.
Katie:  kittttyyyyyyyyy.......
Bill:  Of course. .......................I'll be right back.

20 minutes later he came back.  With one completely unscathed kitty.  I don't know how he did it.  I know I wouldn't have.  I would have suggested a replacement kitty.  It was a hotel miracle.

I do know that after that we kept a close eye on Mr. Up Chuck at all you can eat events for quite a while. With specific limits on pizza, anything with cheese, and chips.   We never throw out kitty with the dirty linens. And I never decorate in all white.   It's a good system.












Sunday, April 13, 2014

Why Men Shop Alone

Last night when I was suppose to be crafting with friends. 
[eating donuts from Gibson's]


Trudy: We should exercise more. 
Me:   Let's all get FitBits together! (FitBits are exercise bracelets that supposedly sync to your computer/smartphone.......supposedly) 
[Best Buy emergency trip] 

Zelda: ohhhh, look at all the colors
Trudy: jeesh, which one, which one? 
Me:  let's get one of each, then order the pack.
Trudy:  good idea. 

[after a trip to Best Buy - where Ricky the cashier was less than impressed by our enthusiasm,  that night while eating ChickFilA IceDreams, which are fabulous] 



And this is what happens when you try to sync 3 devices at the same time to various smartphones and computers while sitting 3 feet from each other. Apparently. 

Trudy:  Mine won't sync
Me:  You're suppose to charge it first. 
Zelda:  No, just put it on. 
Trudy:  I see mine on the computer but not on my phone. 
Me;  Hey, yours is on my phone but not my own. 
Zelda:  Mine isn't working. 
Me:  I think we're cross syncing. 
Zelda:  I've lost weight just doing this. Look 1.9 pounds!
Me:  I think that's me. 
Trudy:  Than it must work. 
Me: Quick hand me a donut! I'll run around the house WITH the donut.
Zelda:  It's very nice of them to send a smaller bracelet because they know you're going to lose weight. Does it talk? 
Trudy: Can I program it to have Ryan Gosling's voice because I'd find that very encouraging. 
Me: "girl, don't even step on that scale...go get a donut now"
Zelda:  Ohhhh, we can be friends on their app!  

[The names have been changed to protect our husbands.  Well not mine, but theirs]  [yes there's  a weekly craft meeting.  They're mandatory]

Crafting is dangerous.