M.O.G.

This is my first posting of The Wedding : Dairy of a MOG.

First I had to actually ask what MOG was. For you newbies it's mother of the groom.  It should be MOTHER OF Give-Me-A-F'ng-Break.  It's not.  My son got engaged.  There's going to be a wedding.  She's perfect and lovely and we love her and her family so much.---------And that's all I'm going to say about that part. Until they all sign waivers. ( Actually they are all perfect and lovely and funny and have a really REALLY good sense of humor.) ( so far.) 

This is more of a running commentary on the business of weddings in general.  As my future DIL is not responsible for the over inflated egos of the wedding circuit snake-oil selling individuals roaming the streets and the Internet.  Especially Pinterest.  And the sixty million magazines.  That I buy daily.  'Cause they're so pretty.  It's like bringing home a unicorn.  With sparkles.  ......oh god save me from myself.  I name them all!!!
My mantra for the next 10 months -  "Wear Beige - Keep my mouth shut."  Which was the advice I was given by a close friend and it seems a smart and reasonable thing to do.  Which is why I will fail miserably at this.  So let me begin by what I'm most likely to screw up first.  The dress.  No , not hers - she'd look beautiful in a gunny sack. ( for those of you under 50 - why are you even reading my crap?) 



She must hate her daughter.  A lot.



Let's talk about what sadistic designers decide what determines a "Mother-of-the-Groom/Bride" dress.  Seriously it's awful.   It seems my choices are aged beauty pageant wanna-be complete with enough piped on icing ruffles and sparkly crap to please a murder of crows - which is also backless, side less, strapless, less less less- which looks FABULOUS on an over 50 body in a permanent relaxed state.  Like death.  OR Little House on the Prairie. ( shoot me) or perhaps the entertainment industry pole dancing division.  I may pluck my own eyes out.  



with detachable sunbeam



I've already had one go round with Spanx which I lost in the bloody stiletto heal battle of New Orleans, I don't think I can do this again. As far as I know Spanx doesn't come in a turtle neck design, something they should work on immediately.  There would be a high likelihood of my head popping off like an overripe grape. Also I imagine this is what it was like being born IF I was being delivered thru the world's tiniest vagina.  I may have to take pain killers to crawl back into that torture device......Not the vagina , that's dead, the Spanx.  Although I'd have to take pain killers in either case.  Now might be a good time as I can't seem to shake the vision in my head.  I hate my brain. 

Also trying to find the cheerleader/pom/dance/sorority elbow to stick to my hip for all the pictures as I am most positive this is the only acceptable way to be photographed in all wedding photos----yes , go check Pinterest. Or Facebook.  I DEFY you to find one set of shots WITHOUT said elbow pose.   Surely Ballew's sells an appendage in beige.  


the perfect MOG dress.  and title.

 Just broke the mantra. They should elope. 

Owl Hats

I have wayyyy too many hobbies.  Wayyy too many.   The flavor of the week is:


not for baby owls. 





Crocheted Baby Owl Hats!!!  I found the pattern on www.simply2irresistible.etsy.com thru the Ravelry.com website.  Kind of a crack house for those of us who do crocheting and knitting which is slightly cheaper than crack.  Or so I've been told anyway.  But is rapidly getting out of control as I've begun stalking a knit shop in Germantown called Rainbow Yarns and Fibers.  This is not your Walmart yarns, this stuff is to die for. ( so alot like crack actually)  I've fondled every skein in there to the point of being put on a yarn restraining order.  It's an illness I tell you!  

If you're interested in having one made shoot me an email or comment.   I usually charge 25 million dollars a piece because I'd like to retire now and it seemed like a viable plan. But the introductory price will be 25.00 until you get hooked on them and want to score more and more bird themed hats working you're way up to mortgaging your house for the Bald Eagle Sombrero.  ( I don't have one of those but if you're strung out on owl hats you'll order anything.)  A steal I tell ya!  This one is for a newborn but can be made in many sizes. My cat is not being very cooperative in modeling it for me.

 

ran out of floss 



 The dog seems fine with it though.  Here's Maddie modeling a scarf I barely finished before the cat tried to eat it.  She hates crafts.

Maddie "anything for cheese" Burriss

Also I'm trying to figure out how to post under different tabs which I would have called "Tabs" but for some reason this has to be done under "labels" because no one called and asked me what I thought. All that to say I'm asking forgiveness in advance for anything that may or may not be showing up in the right places.     Much like myself on any given day.  So sorry. 

If I'm drinking Coconut Milk it must be January.

Imagine a picture of coconut milk here-~~~~~~

Now imagine that I can remember how to upload the stupid file.........
Isn't it lovely. Such wonderful marketing designs on the side.........wow coconut milk.



God help me.......survive Bill's new health kick.  This time it's coconut milk.  [retching noises].  AT least this is an add-on , unlike the year of "forbidden peanut butter" when he replaced it with safflower butter and  almond butter and the kids and dog were up in arms/paws.  And we don't even HAVE allergies.  Peanut butter fell the way of pork, brussel sprouts, pea nuts, diet drinks, cantaloupe, french fries, ........I've lost count.      The kids would look in the pantry and lament "oh no, Dad's read another book".  To which I would say "Look in the s p e c i a l cabinet."  Where M&Ms, Jiffy, Miracle whip, butter, potato chips, and Little Debbie's live.

We've been thru all the percentages of cows milk.  Whole to 2% to skim to 1% to 2% to almond to rice and now coconut.  I think he's just messing with me.  He keeps pouring it and I add half a jug of Hershey's syrup to it. 

Bill: " I'm trying to help you , this adds so much more calcium to your diet."
Me:" I'm sure I'd like it better if I were sitting on the beach.  Can you put tequila in it?"
Bill: " Just try it."
Me: "No,wait, let me smell it. NO"
Bill: " I'm going to keep pouring it until you try it."
Me:  "No means no, don't make me call one of those women's groups.  They'll be here so fast protesting something it will make your head spin. Then I'll have to wear some rubber awareness of Coconut Milk abuse plastic bracelet.  Do you really want to be responsible for that movement?  The president will have to sign an order for a month to be called Coconut Milk Awareness Month. They'll be fundraisers and 1K, because we're too  calcium depleted to run very far, and then you'll get the cows in an uproar over equality for cows milk.  You don't know who you're messing with."
Bill:  [sighs]

PS3



Red Devil

I got a PS3.  Not because I'm some gaming genius, let's face it, yesterday I had to call my son to ask how to return a movie to the stupid RedBox kiosk inside Kroger.  My method of repeatedly shoving it in the slot was not yielding the results I had hoped.  I called my son and we had an engrossing conversation of how do I do this, WHAT?, I can't hear you?, WHAT?, MOM stop yelling, WHAT?,  And that was pretty much the entire dialog.  Then I spotted another mom person.  I could tell because she looked tired and had on a stained sweat shirt so we were practically twins.   I started waving my hand with the offending DVD in it and she DID NOT EVEN BLINK.  We recognize our own.  And of course she knew exactly what I needed in stark contrast to the kid on the phone who was confused at my confusion.  I just hung up. 

But back to the PS3.  I need a PS3.  I'm tired of guessing which format movie/game/ whatever to buy or rent and I'm pretty sure my entire family is equally tired of my texts. 

Me: do we use blueray or the other?

Andrew:  mom, you don't have blueray.

Me: what do I have?

Andrew: other

Me: but the movie I want only comes in blueray.  what movies does the Wii play?

Andrew: none

Me:  WTH?  what do I have?

Andrew: mom, I have a blueray, you do not.

Me:  I hate this. 

But I really decided I needed a PS3 WHEN Andrew discovered we had HDMI on our TV screen and simply had never pushed that button.  It was like magic!  Of course now I can't find any of my dang channels so I listen to the music channels which kind of defeats the whole high def thingy. 

I think I can knit this......

Andrew set up the entire system along side the Xbox, Wii and Bose , so now I have a 1  in 4 chance of success. Or a 3 in 4 chance of screwing up some hard drive and blaming the cat or a freak lightening storm.  Or cats that shoot lightening out of their eye.  Laser Cats.  I saw that on Saturday Night Live so it must be real.   Then he confiscated the games that came with it.  He said  and I quote " Mom, you don't need these."  And although he's most likely right I find myself intrigued with the whole Assassins Creed story which up until I saw Andrew play  I was repulsed by the commercials.  It's a whole story, with background and hints and clues.  But Andrew said I'm barely ready for Little Big Planet.  So I'll just be happy being a sackperson.  As happy as a sack person can be.  Until they invent a new format.  Then I'll be an angry sackperson.

Bill's Gift Giving Logic



GIVE ME A MAC BOOK PRO



A lesson I learned long ago about Bill giving gifts is that I usually get whatever I want as long as it's the last thing I say before he goes shopping.  For instance early in our marriage I casually commented on a commercial that was on TV.  And my birthday was a couple of days later.  Teddy Ruxpin came to live with us that year.  We didn't have children then.  As I recall I said " oh, isn't that cute."  I'm a lot more careful now. And direct.  I bring you this year's conversation.

Bill:  What do you want for Christmas?

Me:  I want a Mac Book Pro or desktop.

Bill:  I am not getting you anything that has to do with technology.  You'll be on it all the time.

Me: Let me get this straight, you're not getting me what I want for Christmas because I'll actually use it?

Bill:  Yes.
Me:  I don't think you understand the role of Santa Claus......hmmmm what do you want for Christmas?

Bill:  I asked you first.

Me: Is this a competition?
Bill:  It is now.

Me: Oh , it's on. 

And this is how I ended up with a Michael Kors watch.  Because in a later conversation I complimented my daughter's MK watch and then Bill went out and promptly bought me one for Christmas.  Personally I think Michael must have overheard his mother say something like this : " Damn it, I can't see a single number on this stupid cheap watch, what time is it?"  Michael " Jeesh mom, for the hundredth time it's three o'clock!"

I had no idea who/what an MK watch was. I recently had to ask what all the fuss was over Rinaldo bracelets.  Oh, I recognize the big ones, Coach, Givenchy, Gucci, Timex, you know.  But I have to say I love the huge dial.  I can finally read my own watch. And it has a timer on it too. And it might come in handy as  a weapon, kind of like brass knuckles.  So there's that.  I'm finally trendy.  However I am not giving up on the Mac.