Saturday, July 11, 2015

Intermittent crying with a chance of sunshine- Part 1

Last month .....


Arghhhhh, I ate too much pasta, my stomach is killing me.
Later that night-    Arghhhhh,  I hate pasta.
The next morning -  ARGHHHHH, I feel terrible, like glass in my stomach.    Bill announces,  That's it......let's head to the ER.

I don't think I've ever really been in an ER.  For myself.  Off we go.  Fortunately it's not that far from our house.  I get checked in.  The pain worsens, I'm thinking appendicitis or kidney stones.  They hook me up to pain and nausea meds.  Ask me lots of questions.  Do a CT.  Kinda.  I have very stubborn tiny veins,  bless the technicians heart as she pushed the dye into my upper arm vein that they had to locate with a doppler machine while Bill uttered the words "Cool", only to blow it out causing my arm to swell up to the point where it refused to bend.  But she announces enough got through to take pictures.  Finds a mass in my female parts area - words of the ER doctor.  Well, that seems vague, technically I am all female parts. Doctor refers me to West Clinic.  A new panic sets in.  ( I'll just go ahead and say everything turned out fine for me.  The doctor and team at West Clinic are the most wonderful people on the planet- more on that later)   And the ER sends me home.

4 days later coming out of my meds stupor I realize that I haven't actually gone to the bathroom.  You know, in a more committed way.  Naturally this is all I can focus on.   I begin to read all the information that was handed to me in a lovely folder when they discharged me from the ER.
In capital letters " NO LAXATIVES, unless prescribed by your physician."
Hmmmm, well crap. ( or not).    Now I'm sitting in my bed , tears running down my face in tired frustration.  I call out to Bill.
Hey, do you think I can take a laxative or something?
Bill:  I don't know, call your doctor.
Me:  You are a doctor person......just tell me what to do.
Bill:  CALL YOUR DOCTOR
Me:  YOU CALL YOUR DOCTOR!!!!
Bill:  Kelly....... just call the ER doctor and ask.
Me:  [mimicking] kelly....just call the er doctor and ask.
I pick up the folder and reread hoping it will say ........NO LAXATIVES EXCEPT FOR YOU , TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT.  It does not say this.     But it does tell me how to access my chart information and ask questions online.  Hmmmm, maybe this is what i need to do.

I go online, set up my account, access my chart, find the part about submitting questions and start typing.   Yes, I realize this probably took 4 times longer than actually picking up the phone and dialing.  Whatever.    I click on the tab for questions.   "Your account in not approved for submitting questions, please call your doctor."   WTH.......why is everyone obsessed with me personally discussing my bathroom habits with a live person.  [more tears]
Okay, where's the stupid sheet of  paper with the  phone number???   I locate it.  "If you have any questions regarding your account please call 555-5555" (go ahead, dial it)
I dial the number.   [more tears]   The line rings and a voice answers.  Hello, this is Paul with Baptist blah blah blah, may I help you?   "I hope so , I was discharged from your ER 4 days ago and , well, I haven't gone to the bathroom and I'm miserable and it's all I can think about and the folder said no laxatives, is it okay to take a stool softener? , and I just hoping you can help me , I'm just so tired, and it said to call this number and all I want to do is poop...... "
Paul :  ........[crickets]..........
Me:  hello?
Paul:  .....um, I'm with IT.
Me:  .....[bigger crickets] ......so Paul, do you get many poop questions or am I the only one?
Paul: oh, you'd be surprised at the questions I get asked, but I can connect you with the desk at the ER, don't worry.
Me:  Frankly at this point I'd be happy for your advice but what the heck let's see if they can help
Paul:  okay, well good luck, I'll connect you.
Me:  Thanks Paul.  ( seriously if Paul had said you should eat rocks and tango up and down the street I would have done it)
Another voice:  May I help you?
Me:  Let's see......

I repeat my story, we eventually come to the conclusion that I'm safe to take some medication, but I'm not safe to be dialing random numbers on a sheet of paper.    Poor Paul.

Next - filling out forms for surgery....... while I thought some of the questions were hilarious the man that drove me to surgery was not amused.
my healing view