Well, there's good news and great news

Last week my eyes were driving me crazy. So itchy! I don't think of myself as having allergies per se but it was to the point I wanted to rip them out of my head .....but I didn't.

So that lead to a visit to the eye doctor where I am always somewhat shocked to find out I'm over due for a visit.  I'm pretty sure I've been in and he just says that to make me feel bad.

Me:  Hi Doc!
Doc: Hey , what's up?
Me: I think I have an eye infection, they are itching me like crazy!
Doc: How long has that been going on?
Me: ohhhh, noticeably this last week.  It's not bad first thing in the morning but as the day drags on.....
Doc:  hmmm, okay, let's take a look.

( head contraption with light bright enough to blind a person, which may be the goal)

Doc:  Do you smoke?  live with smokers?
Me: No, but if it will help.
Doc: Nah....... well, there's good news and great news.
Me:  That's never the choice.....
Doc:  You are almost legally blind!
Me:  Beg pardon?
Doc:  You have cataracts!
Me:   I'm sorry,  which part is the good news again?
Doc:  No, no, that's actually good! It's so bad now the insurance company won't deny it. Now you can have surgery to remove the cataracts and put implants in!
Me:  [crickets chirping]  ......... really hoping for allergies here......
Doc:  No, this is actually great, after the surgery you won't need glasses for far sightedness.
Me:  So I can stop throwing away my contacts because there is in fact nothing on them like I imagined that last couple of months?
Doc:  That's right
Me:  And when Bill sees stuff on TV I don't have to pretend I see it too so he'll stop rewinding the damn DVR for the hundredth time so I can SEE it?
Doc:  Correct.
Me:  And when he hits the ball off the tee and I can't see where it went I won't have to say " I think it went in the hole THIS TIME" even though there's no way in hell it went in the hole?
Doc:  I'd hang on to that one.
Me:  Yeah, his ego is pretty fragile.
Doc:  So, we'll get you back in for a full workup and send that to the surgeon and get the ball rolling.
Me:  ok,  I'm sure Bill will call you with questions mostly because he'll think I made this whole thing up trying to be dramatic or funny......which is of course ridiculous.    When he does tell him I'm legally blind and can't cook because I might poison him.  It's for his own safety.
Doc:  You're funny.
Me:  Tell him that too.

Yay, summer is off to a great start.

Things "some" people don't find funny.

(I write this stuff because it's cheaper than finding a therapist.  And it would take too long to bring them up to speed.  And I'm just assuming that you have a general idea of what I'm talking about. Which is good enough for me. Also I believe in unicorns. )

Driving to the bank to deposit money I've already deposited.

Cats that eat their golf trophies.

Saying " do you ever get confused while turning off the water? I think I over think this"

Confusing the turn signal with the windshield wipers.
( on the interstate- Bill:  We're about to pass Bob, signal him, there he is!,  Me:  Crap, [randomly pushing all the levers and buttons because of fear of ANOTHER inferior on demand performance], Bill: Great, was that morse-code by windshield wiper?  Me: yes, it was kiss my .......)

Calling his briefcase a suitcase.

Saying "who is it?" when he knocks on the bathroom door.  Every time.

Group texting and I'm the only one texting.  ( apparently this is a universal offense) (sorry universe)

Calling quarters innings.

Speaking of quarters
Not having change.
(Waitress:  That's $5.02.   Bill:  Do you have 2 pennies.  Me: Nope.   Bill: How is it you never have any change?   Me:  The great quarter fight of 1991 comes to mind,   I can write you a check. )

Pointing out tattoos I'd consider
I need an etch-a-sketch body.

When asked where I want to eat and saying I don't care.
When they suggest a place to eat, after I've just said I don't care, and I make a yucky face.

Criticizing his golf clubs. ( like- you clubs better get it together if you want to stay in that bag)

Trying to get fired. Daily.

After saying "what?" the fifth time just pretending I understand what he's saying.
(Bill:   Do you want a ______,  Me:  I'm good.     Bill: Why are you getting a _____, I just asked you if you wanted one?  Me:  ohhhhhh, I thought you said _______)   It really doesn't matter what you put in the blanks, we've covered just about everything, just this week.)

Wondering what our church budget is on rocks. And saying it out loud. ( He was not amused by this at all.) ( also our church passes out visual aids at our contemporary service, rocks, compasses, shiny objects - which reminds me I need to renew the extended warranty on my dryer) ( amen)

Toy dinosaurs.  With an attitude.

Buying an "understudy" purse because I'm afraid I'll ruin the good purse.

Dropping half my steak on the floor at the restaurant trying to be helpful.  I wasn't.
And then laughing hysterically.
Followed by posting it on FB.
While laughing hysterically.
Followed by writing a blog entry.
While laughing hysterically.

Making fun of the phrase "policy and systems" while being asked to write a policy and system for writing a policy and system.  Which is the exact reason I was making fun of it in the first place.  

When asked about a friend's surgery and it involves the word vaginal.

Saying the phrase " it's better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick" and then offering to prove it.

Keeping a sharp stick on my desk.  :)