And more Adventures in MOG Land. Part 3.

Once the relationship took an ugly turn with the Spanx incident I decided to seek solace by having a manicure.( Seriously Pat, you don't remember me ?)  Well, this was more a preemptive strike against the sure onslaught of "MOM, you NEED to have your nails done BEFORE the wedding!"  After work I ran over to the local nail salon.  It was late and I was the only patron there.   I don't have my nails done on a regular basis, in fact I can't remember ......oh, wait, yes I do, it was last Thanksgiving and I got a lot of flak from my son because I had acrylic nails and they were really long and very red and I can't repeat what he said they reminded him of.   And then another discussion ensued over his opinion not being needed SINCE I couldn't get them off by that time.  Sadly his opinion was confirmed by his sister whose fashion sense I trust infinitely more than his. Which is why I text her photos of me in clothing or shoes BEFORE purchasing.  And you may remember how well THAT worked when trying to purchase the DAMN DRESS with a broken arm.  If not refer to the earlier post called "The middle part".

"Justin"  did my nails.  After confirming that Justin was NOT his real name, because I ask the hard questions, he convinced me that he could make my feet look just as gorgeous.  We shared a laugh.  Then he said he was serious.  And I was tired.  And the large comfy chair with swirling water was so so inviting.  And so I said yes, but I did apologize in advance for any seizures looking at my toes might cause him and the fact that I had not shaved my legs as this was completely unplanned.  His reply " No worries, I don't care about your legs, maam."  and I said "Justin" I'm Kelly and that is my real name."

The chair is a little intimidating, it's tricky to get in it without falling into the swirling  water.  I confirmed with "Justin" that people had fallen in before.  I'm kind of like an investigative reporter about crap no one cares about. ( this fact was confirmed by almost everyone I live with, including the cat. ).  I sat in the chair and he pointed at things he wanted me to do like put my foot here, move my other foot there, I think it was to avoid further conversation, but whatever.    And then he turned on the chair.  Hmm, this is nice.  Vibrating up my back and neck. Then the chair started moving toward him, suddenly I felt like I was about to have a gynecological exam against my will, this happened about the time he took a stone thingy and ran it across the bottom of my foot.  I burst out laughing and couldn't stop.  I'm thinking I am never leaving.  At this point I think we're officially engaged based on the proximity of my ......... to his face.  I'm talking very little personal space here.  

2 hours later....... our relationship ended.  I think it's the language barrier. I'll never be able to pronounce his name anyway.

Sidenote :   Best manicure and pedicure EVER!  Justin is an artist.  Seriously though that chair is crossing some line somewhere.

Later my family confirmed this was more useless information.  So I have succeeded.

More Adventures in MOG Land. Part 2 . Spanx

STOP IF YOU HAVEN'T READ MY EARLIER POST. GO BACK. ---okay then.

Literally one day later

Me:  Hi Pat!!
Pat: [stares at me like she's never seen me before] ummm, hi.
Me:  I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Pat:  Can I help you?
Me: We bonded yesterday, I was the bra-ripper.......I'm back to get that Spanx.
Pat: Oh.

Clearly this relationship meant more to me.

I'm home with the Spanx

Bill:  HEY, did you just buy something at "Rhymes with Williards" for $92.00?  I just got an emailed receipt.
Me:  Yeah, isn't that great that I can email it to you from the store?
Bill:  yeah, great, whatever......what cost 92.00
Me:  My underwear, you know the Spanx so I can get in that dress.
Bill:  92.00..............?????
Me:  Trust me this is NOT an area we can afford to skimp in.
Bill:   Apparently not.

Adventures in MOG Land. Bring a compass. And wine.

As the wedding looms large this coming weekend there have been lots of "things" that needed to be addressed before it's arrival.   Most of them involve my body.  I have no idea why that's just how it ended up.

Needed:   New Bra 

Challenge:  Finding one that fits without actually trying it on.  ( I think you can see I'm going to fail this miserably) 

Site:    Local large department store that starts with the letter "D" and rhymes with "Willards". 

Person in charge of touching me :   Pat from SNL

Me:  Hi .....um,  are you the person ( I haven't decided if this is a her Pat or the other one) that can help me find the right bra? 

Pat: Yes'em.

Me:  Oh, okay, I like my old bra , do you still have this in stock?  The only thing I don't like about it is the back has a tendency to rip when I pull it down.

Pat:  [in an appalled voice] WHAT ARE YOU PULLING IT DOWN FOR? It's  suppose to be up that high .........that's why it's ripping, you're doing it wrong. 

Me:  Of course I am, why would I do that, I'm not sure I'm qualified to wear this anyway. 

Pat:  Well, bad news. That one just got discontinued.

Me:   AHHHHHHHHH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE BRA.....I ALWAYS BUY SEVERAL!!! WHY DO THEY DO THAT?  They discontinue my makeup, my mascara, my lipstick.  I feel violated.  And now sad. 

Pat:  I'll find you some that work.  Let me get the measuring tape we store in the deep freeze . ( I'm sure that's what she said)  

Me: [humming at the ceiling , counting tiles......hurry little woman person whose hands are tiny icicles]

Pat:  Hmmm, you're wearing the wrong size. 

Me: Good lord, again?  You'd think a grown woman could figure out what size bra she wears and not destroy it in the process.  I blame gravity. And Victoria's Secret 

    she scurries out to hunt down and bag the appropriate sizes and varying styles I already know I'm going to hate.
Pat:  Here's the "sizing" bra.
I'm not sure what these even means ----does the bra assign me size or  does it conform to my existing size,  is it like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.  "  Interesting....hmmmm , not symmetrical and unusually lowwwww.,,,,, [ it grimaces] you're in the House of Playtex.  Live with it.  [ Hard Hat]
The "sizing bra"  relegated me to exactly NONE of the cute bras on the end kiosks displays.  With wings and feathers and rhinestones the dig into your breastbone but you look so cute and like you're anorexic that you don't care.  Stupid sorting sizing bra.  Nope, I get sent to the corner of the store. The sturdy line.  The Sears Husky.  The Tall Shop.  arghhhh.
Pat:  Here's some.

Twelve tries in we nail one.

Me: Thanks, Pat.  I'll be back when Spanx are in season.  I need to bag one before the wedding.
Pat: Okey Dokey, want me to show you the ones I wear.
Me: nah, let's keep some mystery in our relationship.

Bill didn't find any of this amusing.  He claims I'm killing his fantasies.

.