Barnes and Noble is my Crack House

Bookstores.  Love em.  I could and have spent hours wandering up and down every aisle.  We often go to the local bookstore after dining out just to walk off the calories. And that's where we found ourselves this past Friday.

But I have a couple of bookstore rules. 
1. I don't clump shop.  I detest being called back to look at whatever stupid book you are looking at.
2. Rule 1 doesn't apply to me.   

Bill hates rule 2. 

I found a book I had to share with him.  Well actually I found a book and could not stop laughing, so much so that I was drawing an unusual amount of attention to myself.  ( as opposed to the usual amount of attention , so alot more than that ) Which resulted in me sharing out loud with total strangers excerpts from the book.  Which lead to Bill finding me and quickly trying to get me to the checkout counter.  Which in turn made me read MORE  excerpts out loud dissolving into near hysterics. Which is why I should always wear waterproof mascara. 

The book is titled " How Your Playlist can Change Your Life".  

not in focus - shaking from laughter. No playlist for that.

 Although I found that funny it wasn't nearly as funny as the list of instructions in EACH chapter on how you too can put together a playlist to :

Be Happy
Be Mentally Organized
Be Productive
Be "Fill -in-the-blank"

Each and every chapter ( because I looked at every one - which could have been the reason Bill was glowering at me from across the store.  Or maybe it was because between fits of laughter I was taking pictures of the book. Which could have been the reason the clerks were glowering at me from across the counter.) had instructions on how to compile the list.  And every chapter's list of instructions had this as the first thing to do: ( EVERY CHAPTER)

1.  First, pick songs you like a lot.            ( I know , I was thinking I usually pick out all the songs I hate and make a playlist when I want to "Be Happy")    And that's pretty much when I lost it.



Just in case you couldn't believe it either. It's sideways because I couldn't convince Bill to hold it for me.  Where is the love?

 So I thought gee, I wonder with all this great and obviously highly researched information what lists I would compile.  Then I looked at my present playlists and thought how the heck did I manage this without someone telling me to pick the songs that I like alot. 

Playlist for painting the walls - Glen Miller and anything from a GLEE soundtrack
Playlist for running in the park - black angry rap songs and Disney's Aladdin soundtrack.
Playlist for driving on the I-240 - Classical Piano
Playlist for Walmart - Lady Gaga and Ballroom Tango music
Playlist for car trips to aggravate children -  Smothers Brothers

and my most famous moment in compiling a playlist was the year I was in charge of gathering music for our vacation trip to the beach in July.  I grabbed the wrong box. John Denver and the Muppets Christmas .
I'm not in charge of that area anymore. 

I laughed all the way out of the store.  Bill wouldn't let me buy the book.  So I bought one on knitting.  It's not as funny. 

Number 6

Well it hasn't even been 24 hours since I posted my resolution list and I've already screwed up. Number 6.  ( I'll wait here while you go check the list)  I'm sure it's become clear that I have no idea what any of these buttons on the template setup for the blog site really mean.  For all I know I may be rewiring the Kremlin.    What I do know is I had Followers and now I don't.  That means either you all jumped ship at the same time - while a little unbelievable I can't hold it against you but don't expect a Christmas card next year. OR you all decided to go "private" with your settings because being associated with me is a complete embarrassment to you and you don't want to have to explain me to your children. OR I made an adjustment to edit the template ( yada yada yada) and have wiped you from existence. Highly unlikely but let's go with it.   Sometimes when I'm working on the computer I'm like a parakeet on crack.

got a vision yet......I'll wait......okay, that's me



Not a parakeet or crack - but if you lack the imagination to summon a vision you'll never notice.  You're welcome.



I get in a bit of a hurry . I'd like to point out that there's is literally no one here to stop me from touching buttons - sooooo that's a little dangerous.  ( except the dog and we have a previous treat agreement that is unbreakable by Canine Law, or something )  And I have discovered that getting older does NOT in fact guarantee the ability to restrain yourself from touching buttons randomly.  Just ask the staff at El Portons.  Really , should they have all those touch screens unattended , with all those colors.... TWEET TWEET TWEET.   Extra cheese on order 17.

So , if by chance you were a Follower ( which puts a lot responsibility on a drugged budgie) or would like to become a Follower ( because you worship frenzied fowls) would you ever so kindly make yourself reappear.  I apparently possess supernatural gifts of which I know no bounds.  Lord, help me.

( I cleverly edited the title of Followers to "My People - you know who you are"  having no idea that in fact ONLY you know who you are ------ so I'm clairvoyant too.)

( also at the top is a place where you can have this emailed to you, you know, because you're wayyyy too busy solving crimes or sorting socks - I know I am)

Dream Zoo

I have an addictive personality.  It's fortunate for our family that I do books and computer games because we'd be completely broke if it was drugs. Although Bill says we are dangerously close either way.  My latest addiction WHICH I BLAME MY CHILDREN FOR is Dream Zoo.  It's a game. One of those ridiculous iphone/ipad/computer games. Which means I can play it anywhere.   Like under the covers at night, because WHO else is going to feed the hippo??? Really.

This probably stems from my inability to keep irregular ( I'd say exotic, but none of them ever danced that I witnessed)  animals alive for any length of time. Dogs and cats have had a better than average run at my house.  One cat just a little toooooo long in my opinion.  I'm the Dr. Kevorkian of family pets. More than once my house has been suggested as daycare for some rodent/goldfish/fill-in-the-blank that's out lived it's "Look what I have" ness.   I, of course , am completely devastated by this. 

Not Frank

Case in point, Frank.  Frank was a lizard that my MIL got for our 6 year old son one year for Christmas. HO HO HO - Hell no.  But he seemed manageable.  ( Frank, not the kid, I gave up on him at 2).  Frank seemed deliriously happy in his little plastic box , with his little plastic tree and little plastic rock.  Every third day I tossed Frank a cricket.  And Frank and the cricket would have a stare off.  I never actually saw Frank eat the cricket but he was always gone the next day.  For all I know Frank was running an underground railroad stop for desperate crickets.  Anyway, about a month later Frank was a little too relaxed on his little plastic rock.  As in dead.   Now if any of you remember Jane , my MIL, she was the unabashed queen of returns.  And so we loaded dead Frank into a paper bag and carted him back to the pet shop and they happily replaced him - as they were determined not to lose a sure cricket selling opportunity.  Frank 2 - ( we're creative that way.  Side note- Bill's grandmother was none to pleased to find out that we were naming the lizards Frank as that was her dead brothers name.  Should have been a sign). 

With renewed determination I took EXTRA special care of Frank 2.  I cleaned out his box daily, made sure his cage was clean and warm, searched out the best cricket markets.  I was diligent.   Frank 2 lasted two weeks.   Now I was pissed.

Dead Frank 2 in tow I returned to the pet shop. Without my MIL.  I needed answers.  The kid at the pet store started asking me questions:

Kid: "Are you feeding the lizard?"

Me: "Yes"

Kid: "Are you cleaning his cage out?"

Me: "It's cleaner than my house"

Kid: "Does he have water?"

Me: "Yup"

Kid: " Are you misting him several times a day?"

Me: "What?"

Kid;" Misting him, you know with a spray bottle?"

Me:" Why would I mist a lizard?"

Kid: "Because he's a rain forest lizard - he likes to be wet"

Me: " shit" 

I had a heat lamp in Frank 1 and 2's cage.  I was cooking the little bastard. 

Can you say Barbie boots?

There was no Frank 3.   However we did have a hamster named Woody.  It wasn't pretty.

Resolutions

I know I should at least attempt to make some changes to my life.  I have a never ending supply of "attempts".  Probably because I know that January 1st comes around every year, thank God.  If I thought this was the only one I'd be more panicked.  ( There is all that talk about the end of the world being December 21st, 2012 , which my crazy aunt is so concerned about that she's making plans to move to Mesa, Arizona , I don't know why.  She also claims that she can communicate with UFOs, speak in tongues and can heal by touch.  Personally, I think she's been affected by all the years of living with angry ex-nuns, need I say more?)  But whatever.  So here's my list.

1. Stay centered daily - start with Christ.  I love listening to Alistair Begg's sermons. There's an app for that.
2. Eat less
3. Move more.


I was an advanced reader. 



4. Develop all the damn pictures that are living on my computer.

5. Read 24 books this year ( usually I can do this on vacation alone , but I need to have a goal)

6. Figure out what all the other buttons are on this blog site. Honestly - no clue.  Just winging it.
7. Purge, purge , purge.  Clean out one dead relative's house and this will motivate you.
8. Do something creative - EVERYDAY
9. Have no more than 9 resolutions. ( tah-dah)

What are yours?