Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Milk Jug - Murder , Mayhem, Malice

Downstairs - "SON OF A B.........!!!!"


Most evenings don't end this way.  Well, some do.  Mine sometimes.    My sweet husband is an avid health nut.  He's very proactive in taking care of himself.      He watches what he eats and he exercises daily.  He makes sure he gets plenty of rest and drinks lots of water.   All things I've read about in Grimm's Fairy Tales or Healthy YOU magazine.  They're very similar.  Magic Beans, etc.

He keeps track of how much exercise he gets, and he measures how much water he drinks daily.  I, on the other hand, just try to move so my legs don't get tinglely and I drink water when I'm thirsty and there's no red wine.  Or white wine.  Or beer.  Or chocolate milk.  

A couple of weeks ago he started filling up a gallon jug with water that he then pours into a water bottle that he drinks from in an effort to consume some mystical number of ounces a day to reach some optimal requirement of hydration.  I assume.  Unless he suspicious of the water going into the water bottle without it resting first in a viewing area.  I don't know, I'm spit balling here.  It's a special jug.  It came with some magical health powders that tell you it tastes like strawberry shakes but they lie.  I've added ice cream to it and it still tastes like ground up cardboard.    So the water viewing jug has been peacefully coexisting with all the other liquids holding things in the fridge for weeks.  Until tonight.

Downstairs: - "SON OF A B.......!!!"

Him:  [lots of angry muttering]
Me:  ..... what's wrong?
Him:  SOMEONE STABBED MY WATER JUG!
Me:  ....what?
Him:  SOME....ONE....STABBED....MY....WATER....JUG!
Me:    ...stabbed your water jug?   let me see that!

tiny stab wound 

Him:  You just can't have anything!
Me:  ......um, [eye twitching], ummmm it looks melted......[eye twitching]
Him: ALL I KNOW IS I WAS FILLING IT UP AND WATER STARTED RUNNING DOWN MY LEG.
Me:  ummm, [cough, cough],  I think, I'm not sure, but I think I might have accidentally unknowingly kinda sorta touched it with the flaming hot cookie sheet that was full of zucchini fries.  
Him:  You think this is funny!
Me:  It's a gallon jug, it looks like a milk jug, HERE, take this milk jug, it's about to turn anyway.
Him:  You're laughing!
Me:  NOOOOO, I wouldn't do that!  I'm not laughing, I have allergies, and coughing episodes when I'm filled with water jug anxiety.
Him:  You're laughing now!
Me:  Yes, but not at you, or the stabbed water jug.  I'm so sorry, it was an accident.
Him:  You murdered my water jug.
Me:  I blame the zucchini fries , they're the ones that insisted on being roasted on a cookie sheet!
Him:.........
Me:  I'M A MONSTER!!!!

Him: You're not a monster, you just have a unique skill set.
Me:  ....let that be a warning to all your other water bottles.

I'm coming for you :)




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