Cooking. Or more reasons to drink wine.

I LOVE COOKBOOKS

Roast a chicken he said.  It's easy he said. 


Me:  hey Bill, come in here and read this to me.
Bill:  ok, where?
Me:  There [pointing fat covered finger at book]
Bill: "to truss the chicken....."
Me:  *%$#@$%^
Bill:  what are you doing?
Me:  Trussing!
Bill:  Why are you bleeding?
Me:  I don't have time to explain, NEXT SENTENCE
Bill:  "find middle of string, wrap around tail and cross over , then wrap around end of legs and pull tight, flip chicken, cross on back.....
Me:  TOO FAST......wait, no , I got it! I got it.
Bill: cross over wings , tie in knot, cut excess

This is why Kroger cooks chickens

Me:  tah dah.......NO....I CUT IT TOO SHORT, LOOSE WINGS, LOOSE WINGS.....

I'll just look at the pictures. 

BILL: .............it'll be fine.
Me:  ..... go get the staple gun.
Bill: .....we don't have a staple gun.
Me: .....Julia would have a staple gun.  Is it too early for wine?

MORE DEAD PET STORIES. ALSO I HAD EYE SURGERY.

I JUST HAD CATARACT SURGERY IN MY RIGHT EYE.  LEFT EYE IS IN TWO WEEKS.  I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CAN SEE THREE STREETS OVER WITH MY NEW IMPLANT, NOT BOOB, LENS, BECAUSE BOOBS DON'T NEED TO SEE, ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL.  LIKE EXTRA SECURITY, AND MY LEFT EYE CAN SEE ONLY 3 INCHES.       BECAUSE OF THE SURGERY I HAVE TO WEAR A PLASTIC CUP OVER MY RIGHT EYE AT BEDTIME.  WHICH I MUST SAY IS QUITE SEXY.  IF YOU LIKE NEARSIGHTED PIRATES THAT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE AN ATHLETIC SUPPORTER TAPED TO THEIR FOREHEAD.  MAYBE THAT'S YOUR THING.    I FEEL I'M MISSING SOMETHING, ONE OF MY "FRIENDS" SUGGESTED A PARROT.  THANK YOU BECKY.  WHICH REMINDED ME OF ANOTHER ONE OF MY LESS THAN SUCCESSFUL PET STORIES.  I'M GLAD MY CURRENT PETS DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET.  I'M SURE THEY'D RUN AWAY.

YEARS AGO, I HAD A PARAKEET NAMED BEETHOVEN.  I LOVED THAT PARAKEET.  NOT AT DAYBREAK.  I HATED HIM THEN.  CHIRPY LITTLE BASTARD.  HE FOLLOWED ME ALL OVER THE HOUSE, MOSTLY HE WALKED ON THE FLOOR TO PROVE A POINT.  I HAD TO KEEP HIS NAILS CLIPPED BECAUSE HE'D GET CAUGHT IN THE SHAG CARPET AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR LACK OF DECORATING STYLE.  WE'D WATCH BARETTA TOGETHER AND HE'D COMMENT ON FRED'S OVERACTING.  ( GOOGLE IT) .    ONE MORNING I LOOKED IN BEETHOVEN'S CAGE AND HE WASN'T THERE.  I COULDN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE.  JUST VANISHED.  I WAS SO SAD.  LATER, I SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH TO KNIT.  AS THE YARN MADE IT'S WAY TOWARDS MY KNITTING NEEDLES THERE WAS A HUGE CLUMP IN THE YARN.  THAT STUPID BIRD HAD CRAWLED INTO MY KNITTING BAG AND DIED.  NOW I WAS SAD AND HORRIFIED OF YARN CRAFTS.  

IT WAS DIFFICULT TO KNIT AROUND HIM BUT I MANAGED.

HE WAS A SARCASTIC BUDGIE.

LESS CHIRPY.  IN MEMORY OF BEETHOVEN.  

Well, there's good news and great news

Last week my eyes were driving me crazy. So itchy! I don't think of myself as having allergies per se but it was to the point I wanted to rip them out of my head .....but I didn't.

So that lead to a visit to the eye doctor where I am always somewhat shocked to find out I'm over due for a visit.  I'm pretty sure I've been in and he just says that to make me feel bad.

Me:  Hi Doc!
Doc: Hey , what's up?
Me: I think I have an eye infection, they are itching me like crazy!
Doc: How long has that been going on?
Me: ohhhh, noticeably this last week.  It's not bad first thing in the morning but as the day drags on.....
Doc:  hmmm, okay, let's take a look.

( head contraption with light bright enough to blind a person, which may be the goal)

Doc:  Do you smoke?  live with smokers?
Me: No, but if it will help.
Doc: Nah....... well, there's good news and great news.
Me:  That's never the choice.....
Doc:  You are almost legally blind!
Me:  Beg pardon?
Doc:  You have cataracts!
Me:   I'm sorry,  which part is the good news again?
Doc:  No, no, that's actually good! It's so bad now the insurance company won't deny it. Now you can have surgery to remove the cataracts and put implants in!
Me:  [crickets chirping]  ......... really hoping for allergies here......
Doc:  No, this is actually great, after the surgery you won't need glasses for far sightedness.
Me:  So I can stop throwing away my contacts because there is in fact nothing on them like I imagined that last couple of months?
Doc:  That's right
Me:  And when Bill sees stuff on TV I don't have to pretend I see it too so he'll stop rewinding the damn DVR for the hundredth time so I can SEE it?
Doc:  Correct.
Me:  And when he hits the ball off the tee and I can't see where it went I won't have to say " I think it went in the hole THIS TIME" even though there's no way in hell it went in the hole?
Doc:  I'd hang on to that one.
Me:  Yeah, his ego is pretty fragile.
Doc:  So, we'll get you back in for a full workup and send that to the surgeon and get the ball rolling.
Me:  ok,  I'm sure Bill will call you with questions mostly because he'll think I made this whole thing up trying to be dramatic or funny......which is of course ridiculous.    When he does tell him I'm legally blind and can't cook because I might poison him.  It's for his own safety.
Doc:  You're funny.
Me:  Tell him that too.

Yay, summer is off to a great start.

Things "some" people don't find funny.

(I write this stuff because it's cheaper than finding a therapist.  And it would take too long to bring them up to speed.  And I'm just assuming that you have a general idea of what I'm talking about. Which is good enough for me. Also I believe in unicorns. )

Driving to the bank to deposit money I've already deposited.

Cats that eat their golf trophies.

Saying " do you ever get confused while turning off the water? I think I over think this"

Confusing the turn signal with the windshield wipers.
( on the interstate- Bill:  We're about to pass Bob, signal him, there he is!,  Me:  Crap, [randomly pushing all the levers and buttons because of fear of ANOTHER inferior on demand performance], Bill: Great, was that morse-code by windshield wiper?  Me: yes, it was kiss my .......)

Calling his briefcase a suitcase.

Saying "who is it?" when he knocks on the bathroom door.  Every time.

Group texting and I'm the only one texting.  ( apparently this is a universal offense) (sorry universe)

Calling quarters innings.

Speaking of quarters
Not having change.
(Waitress:  That's $5.02.   Bill:  Do you have 2 pennies.  Me: Nope.   Bill: How is it you never have any change?   Me:  The great quarter fight of 1991 comes to mind,   I can write you a check. )

Pointing out tattoos I'd consider
I need an etch-a-sketch body.

When asked where I want to eat and saying I don't care.
When they suggest a place to eat, after I've just said I don't care, and I make a yucky face.

Criticizing his golf clubs. ( like- you clubs better get it together if you want to stay in that bag)

Trying to get fired. Daily.

After saying "what?" the fifth time just pretending I understand what he's saying.
(Bill:   Do you want a ______,  Me:  I'm good.     Bill: Why are you getting a _____, I just asked you if you wanted one?  Me:  ohhhhhh, I thought you said _______)   It really doesn't matter what you put in the blanks, we've covered just about everything, just this week.)

Wondering what our church budget is on rocks. And saying it out loud. ( He was not amused by this at all.) ( also our church passes out visual aids at our contemporary service, rocks, compasses, shiny objects - which reminds me I need to renew the extended warranty on my dryer) ( amen)

Toy dinosaurs.  With an attitude.

Buying an "understudy" purse because I'm afraid I'll ruin the good purse.

Dropping half my steak on the floor at the restaurant trying to be helpful.  I wasn't.
And then laughing hysterically.
Followed by posting it on FB.
While laughing hysterically.
Followed by writing a blog entry.
While laughing hysterically.

Making fun of the phrase "policy and systems" while being asked to write a policy and system for writing a policy and system.  Which is the exact reason I was making fun of it in the first place.  

When asked about a friend's surgery and it involves the word vaginal.

Saying the phrase " it's better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick" and then offering to prove it.

Keeping a sharp stick on my desk.  :)

the princess and the pea

new bed.  finally.  being delivered tomorrow.  

signs you need a new bed. 

1. you can't turn over without building up speed. 

2. often you can't see if your husband is in the bed for the hole you're lying in. 

3. you can't remember when you bought it.  

4. the tag you're not suppose to remove left of it's own accord.

5. hotel beds are more comfortable.

 

 and the main reason

6. It's finally his idea.  

But first we had to shop for it.  Which was my idea. Planted into his subconscious every night.  While he slept soundly and I was digging my way out of the mattress hell.  

Bill:  zzzzzzzz~~~~~zzzzzzz~~~~~zzzzzzz~~~~~zzzzzz

Me:  this is crap...

Bill:  zzzzzzz~~~~~~zzzzzz~~~~~zzzzz~~~~~zzzzzzzzz

Me:  argh....... I can't feel my legs........@#@*&$^@*

Bill:  zzzzz~~~~~zzzzz~~~~~zzzzzz~~~~~zzzzzzz

Me:  .........we need a new mattress.......this mattress is killing us......this mattress isn't organic......

Bill: zzzzzzz~~~~~~  snort.....snort .....zzzzzzzzz~~~~~~zzzzzzz

Me:  this mattress is full of dead skin cells.......this mattress will make you shoot over par..........

Bill:  zzzzzzz~~~~~~snort, ummmm,  did you say something?

Me:   "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

BIll:  zzzzzzz~~~~~zzzzz~~~~~zzzzz~~~~

Me:   your neck muscles are seizing up.......you need a physical therapist .......bad mattress....

BIll:  zzzzzz............hey, are you talking to me?

Me:   Are you awake again?  You sound like you're in pain.   

Bill:  I think it's the mattress. 

Me:   ............zzzzzzzzzz

Honey, he's trying to tell us something!

Andrew was 6 and Katie 4.  Andrew had gone to his first Talladega race  with his dad and uncles and grandparents.  Katie and I did not.  Thankfully.  After the race we stayed in Birmingham and met some friends that had just had their first child.  They invited us over for drinks and appetizers.  The mother, and I'll give her a pass here because she was a first time mom and a complete idiot insisted that we move the blender to the deck because "Skippy" was sleeping.   Let me say this again, she asked her invited guests to make their own drinks on her deck. With an extension cord.   Her house was beautifully decorated in one color.  White.  It was probably in all our best interests that we stayed outside anyway.   They did invite us to stay the night.  We politely declined.  1.  Her house was decorated in white. 2. We generally made more noise than a blender.  We checked into a hotel. Which was the best decision that night.  

We had one bed.  A king size bed.  We were so tired we crawled in.  It had been a long day.  A long hot day.    This was the lay out.  Left to right.  Bill , Me, Katie, Andrew.   

Everyone settled in quickly as we were all worn out from the long day.  And the idiot with the blender issues. After a few minutes a  strange moaning sound came from my left.  It was Andrew.  ohhhhhhhhhhh, oooohhhhhhh, ummmmhhhh, ohhhhhhhhh.     I turned to Bill and shook him.  "Hey, hey, listen Andrew is trying to tell us something."   Bill was trying to shake the sleep from his eyes and ears, and leaned up to listen.  "What?, I don't hear anything?"
I said " listen he's talking in his sleep."
Andrew "moooannnnnnnnnn ugghhhhhh"
Me:  What's he trying to say?
Bill:   Oh no, he's going to blow.
Me: What? Blow?
Bill:  THROW-UP !  GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
Me:  What?
Bill:  HE'S SICK, MOVE MOVE MOVE
Me:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Andrew:  [ frankly it was very close to the re-enactment of The Exorcist with out the spinning head]
Katie : MOMMMY
Bill:  MOVE PEOPLE

The first round took out the king size bedspread.  The second round he made it to the bathroom but it was projectile into the wall and tub.  It was horrible.  After the initial shock wore off we went into major clean and containment mode.  The hotel management graciously exchanged all the wadded up bed clothes for fresh linens. Andrew's color was coming back into his face and he seemed like he was going to be fine.  We determined that Andrew had eaten way too much junk during the race and had paid for it.  I was immensely relieved that we had not stayed with the mommy idiot with the house decorated in white.  There wasn't enough stain stick in the world to remove the damage that would have taken place in her white palace.  We eventually got back into a freshly made bed exhausted from all of the days events.  Especially the last one.

We settled back into bed.  Left to right.  Bill, Me, Katie, Andrew.
A tiny 4 year old  voice next to me cried out " Where's my kitty???"
Me:  What kitty?
Katie:  My little kitty... where's my kitty, she was here....?? (toy kitty)
Bill:  What's the problem over there?
Me: Katie's toy kitty is missing.
Bill:  Missing?
Me:  ohhhhhh noooo,  I think Katie's kitty got taken out with the bed sheets.
Katie:  kittttyyyyyyyyy.......
Bill:  Of course. .......................I'll be right back.

20 minutes later he came back.  With one completely unscathed kitty.  I don't know how he did it.  I know I wouldn't have.  I would have suggested a replacement kitty.  It was a hotel miracle.

I do know that after that we kept a close eye on Mr. Up Chuck at all you can eat events for quite a while. With specific limits on pizza, anything with cheese, and chips.   We never throw out kitty with the dirty linens. And I never decorate in all white.   It's a good system.

Why Men Shop Alone

Last night when I was suppose to be crafting with friends. 
[eating donuts from Gibson's]


Trudy: We should exercise more. 
Me:   Let's all get FitBits together! (FitBits are exercise bracelets that supposedly sync to your computer/smartphone.......supposedly) 
[Best Buy emergency trip] 

Zelda: ohhhh, look at all the colors
Trudy: jeesh, which one, which one? 
Me:  let's get one of each, then order the pack.
Trudy:  good idea. 

[after a trip to Best Buy - where Ricky the cashier was less than impressed by our enthusiasm,  that night while eating ChickFilA IceDreams, which are fabulous] 



And this is what happens when you try to sync 3 devices at the same time to various smartphones and computers while sitting 3 feet from each other. Apparently. 

Trudy:  Mine won't sync
Me:  You're suppose to charge it first. 
Zelda:  No, just put it on. 
Trudy:  I see mine on the computer but not on my phone. 
Me;  Hey, yours is on my phone but not my own. 
Zelda:  Mine isn't working. 
Me:  I think we're cross syncing. 
Zelda:  I've lost weight just doing this. Look 1.9 pounds!
Me:  I think that's me. 
Trudy:  Than it must work. 
Me: Quick hand me a donut! I'll run around the house WITH the donut.
Zelda:  It's very nice of them to send a smaller bracelet because they know you're going to lose weight. Does it talk? 
Trudy: Can I program it to have Ryan Gosling's voice because I'd find that very encouraging. 
Me: "girl, don't even step on that scale...go get a donut now"
Zelda:  Ohhhh, we can be friends on their app!  

[The names have been changed to protect our husbands.  Well not mine, but theirs]  [yes there's  a weekly craft meeting.  They're mandatory]

Crafting is dangerous.